So now a look at how my perfectionism can spill over to my relationship with God.

The other day I was reminiscing about my past spiritual growth. And I was a little disappointed (there's that word again!) that I didn't have the same situation as I did, say, in college.

Sometimes looking back I only remember the positives, as Steve would tell me. I do also realize that I had tons of time in college compared to now and I had a lot of introspection about who I wanted to be and where I wanted to head in life. Lots of alone time to spend with God and figure things out. And that was good and that's what I needed at that time.

But then comes people added to my life: a husband, ministries at different churches, a kid. No longer alone now! So how I relate to God now is different than the solitary worship time I had back in the day. It really is good. I once viewed me and God as a one-on-one type of deal, but the past 10 years have shown me that my relationship with Him is a community type of deal -- with me relying on others and others relying on me. Worshiping Him comes now through serving and teaching and encouraging as well as those solitary moments I try to grab now and then!

Every once in a while I think back to my solitary time with God and feel like I must not be doing things right now since I don't worship God in the same way I once did. I then have to recall that no one said there is one certain way to worship or grow. And surely God knows that in different stages of life we will relate to Him differently.

I can compare that to earthly relationships. For instance, my relationship with Steve is different now than when we first started dating. There is a deepness now that could never be compared when we were first getting to know one another. Although the thrill of the unknown was exciting when we met, the joy of getting to spend so much time together now and having so many shared experiences to reflect on is just as great. Relationships grow and change and are supposed to!

The same way with me and God. I grow and change and so I relate to Him differently now than ever before. My problem is that I forget to change my own standards of judging my spiritual growth. (And I also need to stop comparing myself to others when how anyone else in the world relates to God will always be different from me.) When I worry that I'm not doing things perfectly, I really need a different vantage point.

So now you see a glimpse into my spiritual perfectionism qualms. To deal with this temptation of perfectionism in my God relationship as well as in all other areas of life, I have to do what I've done in this blog post: talk to myself! I have to remind me of reality and break down unrealistic standards I've set up in my own mind. To truly confess, I usually have to have other people help me out on this. I cry, whine, or dump on those I love (thanks Steve, Mom, Dad, Mandi, Sheryl, and Carol who hear me the most!), saying how horrible I think I am, all the while wanting them to say all of the things above to me that I truly know deep down inside.

This is how I release the guilt of breaking my attempted perfection. It takes a village! So thanks to all who help remind me of God's purposes for me and remind me that I won't be perfect -- at least not in EVERYTHING! :) I'm sure I'll be calling on you again soon!!

The disappointments that come in my life can usually be traced back to one thing: my quest for perfectionism. Thus "disappointments" are often just the normalcies of life, but I can have a different view of them when I'm straining to squint at the world through lenses of "what could be."

Let's start off on a positive note: perfectionism can be good. It can cause people to strive to do their best and pursue greater heights than what they may have achieved if they blindly accepted mediocrity.

In fact, perfectionism is mentioned in the Bible: "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Matthew 5:48). [It follows a discussion on loving your neighbor, friend or enemy. So maybe the perfectionism is focusing on that exhortation.]

And when the rich young ruler thought he was perfect, Jesus said, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me" (Matthew 19:21). This is usually interpreted as what this particular guy needed to do in order to become a more humble follower -- give up the thing he treasured -- not that everyone who wants to be perfect should give away all possessions. But you never know . . . those possessions hold a lot of us back.

But perfectionism can cause a person like me some stumbling blocks. Such as when I put unnecessary pressure on myself and then have unnecessary guilt when I don't do things perfectly. Or when I don't even start a project because I know I can't do it perfectly, therefore I don't want to even try.

It can hurt those around me when I expect perfect from them too. I tell myself I won't project my own perfectionism onto Steve and Kaelyn, but inevitably I end up having high expectations every once in a while about what I expect from them -- and those come crashing down when the inner expectations in my head explode out my mouth in my frustration over something usually quite small or insignificant. Sorry to you both who have to live with me day in and day out!

And sometimes perfectionism hits me when the day's events don't go just as I was imagining in my mind. Reality should remind me once in a while that I shouldn't even set myself up for that type of "disappointment," but it happens nonetheless.

How does this spill over to my spiritual life? And then what do I do with such perfectionism? I'll expound upon that in part 2 . . .

Harmonies of voices and instruments filled the theatre, flowing through us and rising up to the ceiling. The piano, acoustic guitar, and violin became powerful communicators as strongly as the aching lyrics that completed each song.

Last night Steve and I saw The Swell Season in concert in Louisville. This is the Oscar-winning duo

I've talked about before

, Glen Hansard from Ireland and Marketa Irglova from the Czech Republic (so talented and only 20 years old!). Glen sings for the Irish band The Frames (who also joined them in concert), and both he and Marketa starred in the movie

Once

. (It's another flick I highly recommend if you're into great music. The quality soundtrack is terrific.)

Wow! Can I say it again? Wow! First off, we sat in the FRONT ROW! I'm talking the front, front row. In this theatre (yes, I like spelling it that way!), they'd covered over the orchestra pit and put down three additional rows of chairs from the normal front row right up to the stage. Our knees practically touched the stage as we sat there. We were almost dead center. Funny that we didn't have to pull any strings to get such seats. Steve just happened to go online a few minutes before the advertised time that the tickets were to go on sale. These were the seats he was given when he placed the order. We got some amazing pics. I'm posting one here, and Steve's posting the rest on his blog (beitcarr.com).

Here are some other concert highlights:

The coolest moment of the night may have been the very beginning. Glen came out alone with his guitar (one he played all night and has played so hard that it has holes in it) and sat down on his knees at the very front edge of the stage, away from all microphones. He then sang "Say It To Me Now," belting out the words, his voice echoing throughout the room.

Another highlight: Steve and I both got to interact a little with these artists. Glen was funny in between songs and was telling some odd stories and metaphors for their songs. As he talked, he'd look down to his right, often making direct eye-contact with Steve. Steve made good nonverbal reactions as a good listener should! :) I smiled once during the concert at Marketa (she sat at the piano most of the night) and then at the end as we stood to applaud, I waved and said good job to her and she said thanks in reply.

I enjoyed seeing Glen and Marketa interact (see photo). He was fun and silly at times and chatted like he was just hanging out with the audience in a living room; she was shy and introverted (making her performance in the movie even more remarkable). They'd whisper between songs, deciding what to play next. She'd look at him each song for timing -- even songs they've played probably hundreds of times together, such as their famous "Falling Slowly." We'd just heard on a news story about them that they'd fallen in love as they'd played together and made the movie together. That knowledge made it even more sweet to watch them.

Such skill was present. Their playing and singing and songwriting was impressive. You could see their passion for music in every move they made. My appreciation for such musical talent and passion has grown over the years, and it was amazing to watch last night.