???? New Year

I must confess—I have a strained relationship with January 1 of each new year.

On the one hand, I enjoy it for the Rose Parade. I'm not into parades in general, but there is something fascinating about the Rose Parade and how they must cover every inch of the floats in living floral material. (It's the little things in life that thrill me.) I think it's really cool and love it now that HGTV shows the full two hours with no commercials.

On the other hand, I feel a heaviness on my spirit. I think, first and foremost, it's the feeling anyone gets after vacation. I always take time off work at the end of the year, and the thought of having to get back into the normal routine of things can be burdensome. I've really enjoyed being off these past two weeks. It's been a great rest.

A second reason for heavy spirits is my general outlook on the future. I guess I'm more pessimistic than my husband (who is optimistic like his father). When change comes on the horizon for me, I start to wax nostalgic on all that has been. So on January 1, I reflect upon on how great a year it has been and how certainly nothing could top it in the next year, and, in fact, 2009 (or whatever year it turns) could arrive with circumstances that are harder and require more work. (Yes, that's laziness mixed with my pessimism!)

Change is hard for me. It may be theologically driven. Although I have no doubt that God can provide and will provide and does provide, I continue to doubt if He'll continue to want to bless me as He has done. You see, I've already been given so much, and there is nothing at all any of us do to deserve God's blessings. So I continue to peer around each corner, wondering if this is the time God will allow for trials and tribulations to come, choosing to teach me about His strength and other life lessons that come from a good struggle.

I'm so odd! I have experienced nothing but love and continual reminders that God is here with me, giving me every good thing and never ceasing to stand by me when dark times come. Yet I have such fears.

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" cried the boy's father to Jesus in Mark 9:24. That continues to be the cry of my soul. My prayer of 2009: I believe in you, God! But help me overcome all that hinders me in acting upon such faith.
Kelly1 Comment