Thoughts on Grief, part 1

So I'm processing, and I thought I might do this online. I often read other people's blogs about emotional issues, and it helps me. Perhaps these thoughts can help someone else.

It has been a little over six weeks since we found out that we were not having the baby we were eagerly anticipating. And to be honest, Steve and I have both expressed that we can be happy whether the future holds another child or not. We are not "incomplete" in any way. We feel blessed with everything God has given us in life, and we are OK with however it turns out. Yet I still feel like I'm going through some grieving or maladjustment with my own emotions at times. It's not every day. But at times. It's just weirdness inside my head—and I think that everyone goes through funks at times, from different triggers. Maybe this was just my trigger.

I wrote this down last week when I was having a moment:
I feel like an egg. I'm looking good and whole and composed. Yet the slightest turbulence makes me feel as if I'm cracking open and spilling out. It comes unexpectedly when I think things are OK. Tears come over something small.

Makes me want to nestle away in my mind, shutting everyone out. Or I feel like snuggling up in my cozy Grinch pants and Snoopy sweatshirt and hide and not face the dishes or the dirty bathrooms or even the simplest decision, like what to fix for dinner.

I keep up a good appearance on the outside, smiling and enjoying people. And I do enjoy people. But I'm ignoring thoughts. When I'm by myself, I must distract myself. I end up using some sort of media or game or anything to avoid the silence. And I used to love and crave silence.

I talk to God in snippets, but at times I've tuned out opportunities for long conversation.

I feel like eating junk foods (but that's just normal!) and buying stuff for me and Kaelyn every time we are out, when I'm normally a tightwad and not prone to use shopping as a catharsis. I'm unmotivated to do things that used to motivate me. I don't know why or how to change any of it right now.

That's what I wrote last week. I also feel like I've given in to some angry feelings, lashing out at Steve or Kaelyn or even inanimate objects when things don't go my way. I feel like I keep justifying these emotions and bad habits, thinking I deserve it somehow as a comfort. I think I've made progress in a few areas the past few days, so that's good.

I also realized that I need comfort from people, even when it looks like I have everything together. When we first got the news and told people, they asked how I was. I could tell certain people felt awkward about asking, just as I feel awkward knowing how to comfort people at times. Subconsciously, I tried alleviating such awkwardness by giving short answers and changing the subject. Later I'd be sad, thinking I had passed up an opportunity to be comforted . . . or to explain that I was in pain. I don't mind that people know I'm sad. I just don't always know how to express that verbally. Which is why I write! :)

That's where I am. I'm just trying to figure out why I feel the way I feel and finding motivation to do some things I've been putting off. I'm not walking around with a little grey cloud over my head all the time. I'm just in and out of some emotional fog. Can we make a deal? If you see me foggy, please ask how I'm doing, and I'll try to get over my awkwardness and give you an honest answer! And if you're in a fog from grief or from anything, no matter what it is or how long it's been, I'll do the same for you.
GriefKelly1 Comment