An hour from now it will be December 5. Which means it's the one year anniversary since my lung decided to spontaneously deflate on me. Hooray for a year of healthy breathing! That's something I took for granted until now.

Today I was listening to some David Crowder on my iPod, and I recalled how much those same songs meant to me when I spent time in the hospital. God used that time to provide me with needed rest and a renewed focus on Him. And as I read back to see how God used that time to answer some unspoken desires, I hope that I have allowed Him to infiltrate my year day in and day out, without allowing stress to build up so that it takes five days in the hospital to get me to stop and slow down!

Although I've had my moments and days, as we all do, I've had a great year. I've tried to be appreciative of how great I have life so that I don't take so many blessings, big and small, for granted. In the year's time, I look back and see friendships that have deepened, new friendships that have been made, and continual love and support by my family. Thanks to everyone who is a part of my life—thanks for bringing me smiles and being used by God to make my life better in ways you'll never know.

All in all, this is kind of like a belated Thanksgiving post. Or an early end-of-the-year wrap-up. But I find this particular day a little more meaningful to my year's experience and a bit more random! :)

Celebrate with me right now and take a deep breath in and out—and thank God that you can!

We had a few people over for dinner on Friday. I made my favorite dish: my grandmother's pot roast meatloaf. The one dish I'm the most confident about! Steve thought it might be yummy to have mashed potatoes with it. He said my mom's were always good, so if I followed her recipe, it'd be great.

Note of explanation: I haven't, during any of our 10 years of marriage, made mashed potatoes before. That is a sad state of existence, isn't it?! For a time my excuse was that we lived near Steve's parents, so we'd go over there for lunch on Sundays. His mom often made mashed potatoes, so I really didn't need to make them at home. But as for the other years, I have no real reason. We just don't purchase potatoes except periodically.

So for this, my first attempt, I was really focused. Steve and I (and even Kaelyn) had worked hard to clean the house. (It needed a good cleaning, and guests truly are the only motivation for that!) The house looked good. I wanted the meal to be perfect as well. But already there had been a mishap. When I opened the bag of carrots I had purchased just the day before, they were all soft and mushy—the exact OPPOSITE of qualities you want in carrots! YUCK! How could the grocery store sell these? I fumed.

You see the state of mind I was in. I found an alternative vegetable and proceeded to tackle the potatoes. I always forget until I begin using the thing that my mixer has no real SLOW speed. The lowest speed is pretty rapid. When I first turned it on, potatoes flew out everywhere! Sigh.

To be precise, I did more than sigh. I got frustrated. So Steve offered to help. "No!" I yelled. "I'll do it myself!" I may have said some other not-so-nice things too. Not cussing but not very sweet words either. In the process I made Steve angry (rightfully so) and I made Kaelyn cry.

All the turmoil happened because I wanted to do it myself. I wanted things to be perfect, and I wanted the honor of knowing that I made it all perfect ALL BY MYSELF! As I've mentioned before in this blog, that's a struggle of mine.

I was reminded of the folly in this thinking today when Kaelyn was attempting to put something together. "Do you want me to help you?" I asked. "No," she continued to reply. I watched her struggle, and I thought about how often I struggle against other people and God, whining like a toddler, "I can do it myself!"

During communion time on Sunday night, I admitted to God: "I don't like accepting your sacrifice. I just want you to know. I'd like to try and earn perfection on my own. But I know I can't. So I accept your gift, but it's hard for me to do." I figured I might as well be honest with someone who knows my thoughts anyway, right? I needed to admit it so that I'd be reminded of my struggle. And hopefully so I'll stop struggling and starting asking for the help I need.

So the mashed potatoes were made. And eaten. And enjoyed. But no part of the day could have happened without God or Steve or Kaelyn! I love all three of you! Thanks for loving me too.

So now a look at how my perfectionism can spill over to my relationship with God.

The other day I was reminiscing about my past spiritual growth. And I was a little disappointed (there's that word again!) that I didn't have the same situation as I did, say, in college.

Sometimes looking back I only remember the positives, as Steve would tell me. I do also realize that I had tons of time in college compared to now and I had a lot of introspection about who I wanted to be and where I wanted to head in life. Lots of alone time to spend with God and figure things out. And that was good and that's what I needed at that time.

But then comes people added to my life: a husband, ministries at different churches, a kid. No longer alone now! So how I relate to God now is different than the solitary worship time I had back in the day. It really is good. I once viewed me and God as a one-on-one type of deal, but the past 10 years have shown me that my relationship with Him is a community type of deal -- with me relying on others and others relying on me. Worshiping Him comes now through serving and teaching and encouraging as well as those solitary moments I try to grab now and then!

Every once in a while I think back to my solitary time with God and feel like I must not be doing things right now since I don't worship God in the same way I once did. I then have to recall that no one said there is one certain way to worship or grow. And surely God knows that in different stages of life we will relate to Him differently.

I can compare that to earthly relationships. For instance, my relationship with Steve is different now than when we first started dating. There is a deepness now that could never be compared when we were first getting to know one another. Although the thrill of the unknown was exciting when we met, the joy of getting to spend so much time together now and having so many shared experiences to reflect on is just as great. Relationships grow and change and are supposed to!

The same way with me and God. I grow and change and so I relate to Him differently now than ever before. My problem is that I forget to change my own standards of judging my spiritual growth. (And I also need to stop comparing myself to others when how anyone else in the world relates to God will always be different from me.) When I worry that I'm not doing things perfectly, I really need a different vantage point.

So now you see a glimpse into my spiritual perfectionism qualms. To deal with this temptation of perfectionism in my God relationship as well as in all other areas of life, I have to do what I've done in this blog post: talk to myself! I have to remind me of reality and break down unrealistic standards I've set up in my own mind. To truly confess, I usually have to have other people help me out on this. I cry, whine, or dump on those I love (thanks Steve, Mom, Dad, Mandi, Sheryl, and Carol who hear me the most!), saying how horrible I think I am, all the while wanting them to say all of the things above to me that I truly know deep down inside.

This is how I release the guilt of breaking my attempted perfection. It takes a village! So thanks to all who help remind me of God's purposes for me and remind me that I won't be perfect -- at least not in EVERYTHING! :) I'm sure I'll be calling on you again soon!!