We're doing OK after the past week we had. Thanks for your prayers. We feel God's strength.

The weekend's warm weather lifted our spirits. And I enjoyed taking Kaelyn on a short, late-afternoon trip to the zoo yesterday! I did want to post some different thoughts I had this past weekend. Just in case sharing helps anyone else—and it helps me to share and process!

My first random thought was a little snarky. I realized that, back when I was 5, my brother died in March. Several years ago, my grandmother died in March. And then we found out about the baby last week, which is, of course, in March (in case you didn't already figure that out!). So maybe March just sucks for me! I thought about boycotting March this year, like refusing to call it by name, instead choosing either February Part II or Pre-April. Those are my options right now! :) I do know some good people born in March—maybe that will help me reconsider this boycott.

And on a more serious note, I went through some grieving emotions on Friday night and wrote this poem during my tears:


We gave you no funeral
Gave you no name
You were a heartbeat that
appeared on the screen one week
And disappeared the next
We didn't get to know who you were
boy or girl
personality
color of your eyes or hair
I was so scared
And now so sad
Sorry that we missed the chance
to meet on earth

3/6/09
by Kelly Carr

Steve and I found out this week that we've lost our baby. He wrote a well-worded post about it, so please read his blog if you have time. Click here.

Not much to say except a huge THANKS to everyone for praying, because I know you are/will be/have been praying. Thanks for being there, even when you don't know what to say. I know how that feels. I've had dear friends and loved ones experience this same thing, and I didn't know what to say to them either. But they've been so encouraging to me this week to share their experiences to give me strength.

And for those of you who give hugs and notes to say "I'm here, I'm praying," that means the world. It's not what you say, it's us just knowing you are with us.

God's giving us strength, HUGE strength, right now. The sweetest moment was when Steve sat Kaelyn down yesterday to say, "The baby in Mommy's belly isn't there anymore. It went to heaven to be with God and Jesus." Kaelyn was trying to take this in. She was mainly excited to hear that the baby got to go be with God and Jesus. She is always talking about when we'll get to meet them so "Maybe God and Jesus will talk to me." It's hard for her to know that we talk to God and Jesus, but we don't get to hear their replies. (Don't we all feel this way?!) I reassured her that we'd get to go to heaven some day and God and Jesus would talk to her, and we'd meet the baby there. She smiled.

And that's a peace only God can give.

I must confess—I have a strained relationship with January 1 of each new year.

On the one hand, I enjoy it for the Rose Parade. I'm not into parades in general, but there is something fascinating about the Rose Parade and how they must cover every inch of the floats in living floral material. (It's the little things in life that thrill me.) I think it's really cool and love it now that HGTV shows the full two hours with no commercials.

On the other hand, I feel a heaviness on my spirit. I think, first and foremost, it's the feeling anyone gets after vacation. I always take time off work at the end of the year, and the thought of having to get back into the normal routine of things can be burdensome. I've really enjoyed being off these past two weeks. It's been a great rest.

A second reason for heavy spirits is my general outlook on the future. I guess I'm more pessimistic than my husband (who is optimistic like his father). When change comes on the horizon for me, I start to wax nostalgic on all that has been. So on January 1, I reflect upon on how great a year it has been and how certainly nothing could top it in the next year, and, in fact, 2009 (or whatever year it turns) could arrive with circumstances that are harder and require more work. (Yes, that's laziness mixed with my pessimism!)

Change is hard for me. It may be theologically driven. Although I have no doubt that God can provide and will provide and does provide, I continue to doubt if He'll continue to want to bless me as He has done. You see, I've already been given so much, and there is nothing at all any of us do to deserve God's blessings. So I continue to peer around each corner, wondering if this is the time God will allow for trials and tribulations to come, choosing to teach me about His strength and other life lessons that come from a good struggle.

I'm so odd! I have experienced nothing but love and continual reminders that God is here with me, giving me every good thing and never ceasing to stand by me when dark times come. Yet I have such fears.

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" cried the boy's father to Jesus in Mark 9:24. That continues to be the cry of my soul. My prayer of 2009: I believe in you, God! But help me overcome all that hinders me in acting upon such faith.